7.19 Bachelorette SHUT UP FRANK: The sequel

Tonight on the Bachelorette: Frank is the worst person that ever existed. Ever. (Right?)

Chris is falling in love with Ali. We know. Everyone has to say that on this show. But why is he standing on the roof? They didn’t want to show him in the shower? WHY NOT?! They show the montage of all the clips of them together. And then he just keeps talking. Gets a little mushy. Please don’t go overboard, I still want to love you!

Now we find Roberto packing! The Lion King CD? Really? Listen Roberto, I like you, but you are cheeeeesy. And here is their montage. Roberto and Ali obviously have the most physical chemistry, but do you know what happens when you pick the person you have the most physical chemistry with? You end up dumping them on national television to get back together with the other person (read: JASON MESNICK). Or, you both become major famewhores, get a gig on dancing with the stars and then talk about your break up…on national television. Oh, and you’re revealed to be a psychopath.

And here’s the part about Frank, but I’m not listening. We all know you are getting back together with your ex-girlfriend FRANK. I saw the pictures of you two making out at a Starbucks in this week’s In Touch. You weren’t wearing your glasses, so you thought we wouldn’t recognize you, BUT WE DID.

Who do you think is paying for Frank to go back to Chicago before he goes to Tahati? Is the Bachelorette footing the bill for this? That’s pretty shitty, those producers will do anything for ratings!

By the way, seeing promos for the Bachelor Pad makes me excited. I would deem The Bachelor the classiest of reality dating shows, but this is bringing them down to the same level as anything on VH1. Amazing!

So anyway, Frank goes to talk to this Nicole chick, because he knows that Ali will pick him in the end and he needs to make sure he’s over his ex-girlfriend before that happens (SPOILER ALERT, he’s not). So let’s ponder this question for a little bit, why would this Nicole girl agree to be filmed? Are Frank and Nicole the new Jake and Vienna?

He tells Nicole “Ali doesn’t know I’m here. She doesn’t know anything.” She doesn’t know that I’m actually a serial killer. Err..anyway..I am not enjoying this. Shouldn’t this be a private conversation? And what do these women see in Frank?? I do not understand at all. I mean, okay at least he didn’t wait until the very end after Ali picked him to be all like “oh by the way, I’m still in love with my ex-girlfriend”, but that is the ONLY nice thing I will say. He is creepy! And seems like he would be a crazy/controlling boyfriend! And works at Banana Republic (right? Maybe J Crew.)! And lives with his parents! And, as my co-worker has so brilliantly pointed out, LOOKS LIKE A SERIAL KILLER. And they are back together. End scene.

I want to go to Tahiti! I’m going to start making my audition tape for the next season of The Bachelor starring Chris L. And hopefully I will get to go to Tahiti with him. Mom always told me to dream big!

Ali has her “serious thinking” scene while her voiceover talks about how she has so many feelings and junk. I’m so glad they tried to recreate The Little Mermaid with that dramatic hair flip. THAT WATER IS SO PRETTY.

First up is Roberto. We all know the whole day is just them trying to keep themselves busy as to not think about how they are totally gonna do it tonight in the fantasy suite. Ali doesn’t strike me as a sliggity girl, but she and Roberto are way too obsessed with each other for this not to happen.

So they go on the 10874378492nd helicopter ride this show has seen (is that the only date the producers can ever come up with? Remember when the helicopter left Kasey on a glacier???! He was crazy, but that was way harsh). Maybe I’m a total pessimist, but I didn’t see a heart when I they camera panned out on that lagoon. Maybe when I go on The Bachelor: Chris L., I will see the beauty in everything (hear that ABC? PICK ME!). Does Ali have to be wearing yellow at all times? I know I talked about this last week, but really. The girl loves yellow. THAT WATER IS SO PRETTY. The day consists mostly of them making out (see, told you. They are just counting down the minutes until that fantasy suite). Roberto does seem like the protective type (and I actually mean that in a good way). He and Ali seem like they are good for each other. Roberto hasn’t been my favorite all season, but he has definitely grown on me the last couple episodes (especially last week! Adorable family!)

THAT SUNSET IS SO PRETTY. At first, I thought Ali’s dress was yellow, but it isn’t. Way to branch out and wear colors that…still resemble something from the yellow family.

Ali expresses concern that she gets nervous too. Aww, she is a real person! Roberto is acting awkward talking about his feelings! He is a real person too! And he’s talking in circles! Like a regular guy! And more making out. Get a roooom. Oh! Perfect timing, because here comes the fantasy suite card! Roberto, stop acting like you don’t know what this is. Ali wants to spend as much time with Roberto as possible. Yeahhhh, naked time. Off they go! Enjoy your night kiddos!

Up next is Chris!!!!!!!!! Yay a date without a helicopter! This boat is pretty sweet. When I go to Tahiti on the next season of The Bachelor: Chris L., this is the date I want. I loved your family too, Chris! I love drinking beer too, Chris! I think you look great without a shirt on too, Chris! So, they have to swim all the way to the island. I thought for sure they would race, but instead they act really cute in the water. Good for them. Chris is the guy that Ali should pick in the end. Their relationship seems the most realistic in the real world, but unfortunately, the contestants on the Bachelor/Bachelorette are never as smart as I am and don’t ever pick the sensible person. Chris is really getting off easy here; he is collecting all these pearls for free! Expensive jewelry that he didn’t have to pay for!

On a random note, I would just like you to know that right now (8:55 PM EST) Roberto is trending on Twitter. I’m going to spam twitter with a bunch of #ChrisL posts. BRB.

They basically have to swim to dinner. This date has involved a lot of physical activity. Maybe I don’t want to be on next season… (JUST KIDDING ABC! I LOVE CHRIS L!) Guys! Stop whispering! I can’t hear your private conversation!! Awww, Chris got sunburnt! Just like a regular person! You know who else gets sunburnt? ME! #somuchincommon. Here comes the fantasy suite card! Of course, he wants to go, Ali! Have a little more faith in yourself! Luckily, they don’t have to swim to the fantasy suite. This suite seems way suite-er (I’m so clever) than the one her and Roberto were in. This time Ali waits for the cameras to leave before she starts removing clothing. She learned so quickly.

So here comes Frank. I know this is “the most dramatic part of the episode ever”, but it is taking everything in me to not change the channel to Always Sunny reruns on comedy central (don’t worry! I’m recording them!) Frank is starting his transition into a different person by not wearing his glasses. Oh I’m so glad that Chris Harrison got to go to Tahiti too! Frank tells Chris the entire story that we were already forced to watch. Blah blah blah, you suck let’s get on with it. Do you think Frank will be at “The Men Tell All” next week? Probably not. Justin probably won’t either. So it probably won’t be interesting. I’ll still watch though, duh. Chris Harrison is nice to Frank, but you know as soon as he is gone he will talk shit about him with Ali.

Welp, here we go. Ali really has no idea that this is coming and that makes me feel sad for her. I know she still has two other guys that are obsessed with her, but doesn’t she seem a little fragile? Like, she’s not actually as confident as she appears? This could do terrible things for her self esteem. OH MY GOD, JUST TELL HER. It’s like a band aid, just rip it off. So now we have to hear the story recounted for the third time this episode. Although, I have to focus on the positive here. Frank will not be in any more episodes!!! I will never have to see him again! (Unless I embarrassingly continue to buy In Touch magazine, which seems to love him. It’s always the cheapest tabloid! I love a bargain!)

Ali makes a good point that he should have said something earlier! And the fact that she was constantly having to reassure him about their relationship! I wish she would say “SHUT UP FRANK”, it would make my life. Okay, that’s an exaggeration, but it would definitely make my night. STOP CRYING FRANK. You’re the bad one in this situation. Stop trying to make us feel bad for you. Women everywhere will still hate you.

While I do feel bad for Ali, the more I think about it, the more I just want to shake her. She has two guys that are a MILLION times better than Frank! The very scientific poll I conducted of various co-workers and friends agrees! I know it sucks to get dumped and it’s probably way worse when it’s on national television…and on your own show, but still. Roberto! Chris! Remember them?! The two extremely attractive/nice/non-serial killerish type guys who have real jobs and are still in love with you! Buck up kid, it could be worse!

What are they going to do for the next 27 minutes? There will be no rose ceremony right? FRANK WHY ARE YOU STILL ON MY TV. Also, 40 minutes later and Roberto is still trending on twitter! My #ChrisL tweets aren’t working! Here comes Chris Harrison for a vent sesh. Hopefully this is NOT what they are going to do with the remaining 25 minutes of the show.

If Ali thought Frank would for sure be meeting her parents, does that mean she was actually going to eliminate Chris tonight?! I wonder where that girl’s head is at sometimes.

Roberto and Chris are going to be so pumped when they find out that Frank is gone. Final two! Woo hoo! (I’m ready for Bachelor Pad!!!)

Yeah Ali! Don’t let Frank make you feel inferior! Glad to know you have good friends. You know what’s weird? Ali is only 2 years older than me. I didn’t realize this before because A) She seems a lot more mature than me (will I be getting married anytime soon? Absolutely not! UNLESS YOU ARE READING THIS CHRIS! I could totally be ready to marry you!!!) B) She reportedly hangs out with Jennifer Love Hewitt, who has to be at least 40 now, right? I did love her when she was on Party of Five, but that was like 15 years ago. C) In the last 9 months she has had more life experiences than I have had in my entire life. Do you know what I have done in the last 9 months?...umm…I moved out of my parents house!!! But that’s about it.

Anyway, of course both guys are going to accept your roses Ali! Come on, the producers can’t be that mean to you! Or can they? They’ve really beat up on her this season, all in the name of ratings! But really, we know they both have to accept otherwise there couldn’t be “THE MOST DRAMATIC (or ROMANTIC) FINALE EVER” (we all know it will be advertised that way.) Chris and Roberto don’t seem to be brahs, hmmm I wonder why. Don’t you feel like the guys on the bachelorette always are involved in a bromance as well? Which, in my opinion, is way more fun than a group of girls being major bitches to each other.

Once again we have to hear the story of Frank getting back together with his girlfriend. But Ali tells the short version! Atta girl! Oooo who is she going to call first?! Chris accepts the rose! Why didn’t Chris Harrison come out to announce the last rose? Isn’t that what he gets paid to do? Roberto accepts the rose!

Next week, The Men Tell All…they pretend like Frank and Justin are going to be there, but they won’t!

And..in two weeks, THE MOST DRAMATIC SEASON FINALE IN BACHELORETTE HISTORY. I need to stop watching so much TV.

Welp, I’m off to find a video camera so I can make my audition tape for next season! See you soon Chris!