8.23 Bach Pad: Somebody's on the Chopping Block

We find our heroes going back into the house after the rose ceremony. Gia is mad that Nikki “ruined everything” and tells the whole room about their failed plan…I don’t really understand that rationale behind this…? Maybe Gia should also have done what she said she was going to do and given Craig the rose…

I’m hoping that one of the producers has a 12 year old child, and that they are the ones who make up these competitions. A kissing contest…really? Weatherman tries to contain his excitement as he realizes he is about to quadruple the number of girls he has kissed in his life!! Gia pretends, for her boyfriend’s sake, that she doesn’t really want to participate. Watching all the saliva exchanged in this contest makes me throw up in my mouth a little bit. However, Natalie is excited because she would kiss everyone in the house for 20 bucks! A classy lady, that one. Gia decides to drop out after only kissing…every guy (some twice). Also, I would like to take a moment to discuss the phrase of the week our contestants learned this week. “Chopping block.” Congratulations folks on your ability to repeat this over and over. Anyway, Dave and Peyton are voted the best kissers. Natalie is not happy, she thought her attack mode make out sessions were going to get a rose!

Dave’s date card arrives and they’re going to Vegas! Suddenly, everyone is in love with Dave. First he picks Nikki because she is classy. Gia disagrees. Second he picks Krisily, unfortunately he doesn’t know that she is stalking his life. Finally, he picks Natalie because she is the one more likely to put out. Which proves correct as she wastes no time taking her top off in the pool. Remember last week when she was in love with Jesse? Over it! Now she is in love with Dave!

Peyton’s date card comes and Jesse Beck is talking way too much. Which leads me to believe he will go on this date and get the rose. And perhaps get busy with Peyton? TBD. She picks Kovacs and Kiptyn, much to the dismay of Tenley who can’t believe she is picking guys who are in relationships! How dare she mess up these very serious relationships! Also, as predicted, she picks Jesse B.

Krisily continues her plot to bully Dave into hooking up with her. Dave has to choose one girl to spend the rest of his night with, so naturally he picks Natalie because she was the only one who took her top off. Krisily is heartbroken. Nikki seems to handle it well. Natalie talks about how she is excited to “talk” all night with Dave. Yep, that’s why he kept you here sweetheart! That waiter really fumbled with the fantasy suite card and they decide to use it! (duh) Then the make out…then they immediately get into bed and shut us out. Rude

Dave and Natalie return from their one night in Vegas and they are married! Oh wait, they are just dating, but are keeping it a secret from everyone else. Tenley climbs into Kiptyn’s bed to surprise him! So unlike her. Unfortunately, he disses her Sorry Tenley, he wasn’t in a snuggling mood.

Peyton’s date finally arrives and Jesse B continues to babble on and on about getting the fantasy suite card and taking their relationship into overdrive. Dude, keep it in your pants. They go to a race track, which wouldn’t be my idea of a fun date, but whatever. Payton pretends to be attracted to Kovacs, but despite Jesse B’s lack of smooth moves, I would be willing to put money on it that he ends up in the fantasy suite with her. No matter how polite Kiptyn is (and how much time he spends swearing he’s not dating Tenley), or how much Kovacs charms her (“I knew right away you were a cool chick”), it’s definitely Jesse B (he calls her “awesome”, which is so much better than “cool”). Then they make out and she gives him the rose.

Back at the house the “girlfriends” (aka Elizabeth and Tenley) pretend they are not jealous that their “boyfriends” are out on a date with another woman. Don’t worry ladies, there’s two other guys on that date (and both your men are on their way home without a rose!)

They date-ees arrive home to find the fantasy suite card, which they decide to use! They say it’s going to be really fun and awesome! Let’s be real, it’s going to be fun naked time! (Listen, Peyton seems like the closest thing to wholesome on this show, but Jesse B is pretty hot and this is the bachelor pad…) Downstairs Kovacs is bitching about how Elizabeth is ruining everything for him because he wanted to go to the fantasy suite! Then he stomps his feet, covers his ears and screams “NOT FAIR NOT FAIR NOT FAIR”.

On the other side of the deck Wes and Gia are continuing to push the borders without her technically cheating on her boyfriend. All this talk about Gia not going home confirms to me that Gia will be going home tonight. Should’ve given that rose to Craig M last week, Gia! Wes breaks out the guitar and I push mute. Judging from Gia’s facial expressions and hand motions, she is saying some pretty stupid things. They decide to test the boundaries even more by snuggling.

We find our heroes rising from their slumber and immediately go into full plot-mode. Everyone runs around like crazy people on rose ceremony day. I would not be able to handle this stress. For some reason, Gia decides to pull Kiptyn aside to sway one more vote in her favorite. She is the one who decided to vote him out last week…no matter how much she tries to deny it.

Voting comes and I really have no desire to pay attention because I am 95% sure that Weatherman and Gia are going home, no matter what crazy ideas Wes puts into people’s heads. Anyway, my prediction is correct and the two people who had dates last week are the ones to go this week. Weatherman lasted longer than everyone thought he would, so good for him!

Next week everyone has to answer shallow questions about one another…which looks like it actually may be a episode worth my time! All those dumb girls crying! Fantastic.