Ah the day has finally arrived; the day The Bachelor sees any dignity it had left go down the drain. A reunion of all the crazies! Anyway, basically what we should all be prepared for is tons of making out and tons more tears. So we spend the first 5 minutes getting a replay of the preview that we have already seen twice…but I guess they have to fill two entire hours somehow.
First they act like we don’t know who is coming to participate on the show, hello you just showed us a 5 minute preview and the list was posted on every media outlet about a month ago. But I will list them out anyway:
Tenley comes first, appropriately. Tenley is easily the most likeable person that is going to show up at this place.
Again we have Jesse B from Ali’s season, a guy I do not remember.
Natalie the idiot from Jason’s season…and apparently is friends with Tenley. She is way ahead of me and seems to know who Jesse B is.
David from Jillian’s season…
Gwen from Aaron’s season, who has to be at least 40 by now…? Rude? Sorry Gwen.
Jessie from Jake’s season, AKA the mascot of The Bachelor.
Jonathan the Weatherman. No comment.
Nikki from Jason’s season who says she doesn’t want to see Juan…so guess who gets out of the limo next?!
JUAN! I already feel annoyed with Juan and Nikki because you know they will focus on that.
Wes…of course, he would never miss his chance at another (err, well slight extension of his original) 15 minutes.
Krisily from Charlie’s season…and nobody knows who she is. (I do!)
Elizabeth from Jake’s season who has done terrible things with her hair color. Seriously, it’s gross.
Naturally Jesse Kovacs shows up next because rumor has it him and Elizabeth are dating (and by dating, I mean regularly hooking up)
Kiptyn! Sweet, sweet Kiptyn! Please marry Tenley and make all our Bachelor dreams come true (and maybe bring a little class to the Bachelor Pad?)
Ashley from Jake’s season (who?)
Peyton! Poor Peyton who was left on that air base during Andy Baldwin’s season!
Looney Michelle!
Gia…who in my book is just about as likeable as Tenley. (Maybe more so Tenley who has been jumping up and down like a 5 year old …) Uh oh, Gia has a boyfriend at home! (We already knew that)
And of course, Craig M is the final one to show up in order to set him the “climatic” reunion with the weatherman. (It’s not really that climatic.)
Gwen is already regretting being there because she realizes that some of these people could be her children. Michelle is already talking about making connections (and in her head, thinking about whose genes would make the best children.) Chris Harrison can hardly contain his excitement over getting extra work this year! During a recession too!
The rules:
Each week there will be a competition
Winner gets a rose, is safe for that week, and gets to go on a date with 3 people of their choice.
Guys will vote off girls, girls will vote off guys
At some point they will even the numbers? Hmmm..does this have anything to do with the rumor Jake Pavelka shows up?
All of them have to sleep in the same room (we knew that already.)
Melissa Rycroft…too classy to participate on the show, not classy enough to pass up the opportunity to be a part of it somehow.
The girls agree that they are going to vote of Craig M (anyone else think that Craig is going to win the challenge now. FORESHADOWING)
First challenge: Jumbo Twister…that they just play…like regular twister (there is a serious lack of creativity on this production team)
The men all admire Jessie’s ass, but rumor has it that she is now dating Kirk from Ali’s season…so, I assume this doesn’t go well for any of the guys. Weirdly, I’m rooting for Craig now. Mostly so that my theory is correct and because I find Elizabeth extremely annoying. And…Craig wins! I’m so smart. This means he cannot be eliminated this week. He will pick three women to go on the date once the date card arrives. Elizabeth naturally assumes that Craig would want to invite her on his date, because naturally all men are attracted to her.
Now all the women decide that Craig seems interesting and want to be nice to him (remember 20 minutes ago when they all were talking shit about him? So does he.) Craig pulls Elizabeth aside for a chat where she manages to slur about how she’s a feelings kind of girl, or something. So, now she is backpedaling on her distaste for Craig and decides that she would want to go on the date.
What we learn from this segment of the show is that winning the challenge isn’t that awesome if you are a guy, because it really brings the crazy out in these women. Thank God for night vision and the fact that these people are forced to wear their mics 24/7 so we get creepy shots of our favorite characters and the beautiful sounds of face sucking (we’ll assume it was face sucking…)
The morning is spent trying to figure out who was hooking up last night! Ohhhh! Everyone seems to think it was Craig and Michelle. Shocking, Michelle totally seems to have a lot of self esteem and would never hook up with someone in order to go on one of these dates….Anyway, she denies it.
The date card arrives! OMG this is so exciting! Who will he pick?! He stays true to his word and picks Jessie first, then he picks Gwen! Wait, do I like Craig M now? He actually does something kind of nice! Then of course he picks Elizabeth and she happily accepts in an attempt to make Jesse Kovacs jealous.
So off to the date…apparently Jessie forgot to wear any clothes…but since they are going to the beach, I will forgive her this time. Elizabeth is so terrible and I have a feeling she is going to be around this entire time. Sigh. Meanwhile, Jesse Kovacs is pissed that Elizabeth has called “dibs” on him. Welp Jesse Kovacs, I’m going to give you the same advice that I gave Pauly D on last week’s Jersey Shore…you should know better than to hook up with crazies!
So Jesse B is no longer a non-existent person on the show! Unfortunately, he has taken up with the biggest idiot on the show, so...there’s that. Meanwhile, Juan is making the rounds; Nikki is going to be PISSED. Hmmm, bad editing because they had already shown Jessie in the kitchen at the house…but now they are back on their date. Luckily, Jessie brought clothes. Twist! Craig only gets to pick one girl to continue…and he picks Jessie! As long as it isn’t Elizabeth, it’s fine. Somehow the producers have managed to get yet another band that was relevant 15 years ago to play a private show for contestants! Elizabeth bitches up a storm in the limo. Shut up Elizabeth, you were all over the season preview; we know you stay around for awhile. Groan. Anyway, I wonder what Kirk thinks of this date between Jessie and Craig…?
When the dejected ladies arrive home we find Elizabeth and Jesse Kovacs having the first of what I imagine will be countless annoying conversations about how they “aren’t together.” She then awkwardly tells him that she is completely in love with him…? So he goes to bitch to his brahs while she cries.
Michelle plots the murder of Tenley and then locks her in the bathroom to execute. Elizabeth follows the cameramen upstairs so she can be in on the action. Tenley sobs and ultimately they decide Michelle has to go.
Juan decides he needs to “smooth things out with Nikki” aka pretend to apologize so she won’t tell the other girls to vote him out. We all see through that one Juan! Including (surprisingly) Nikki! Krisily makes the mistake of talking about voting off guys in front of Natalie, who just wants every man there to love her. So naturally, she tells David.
More shit between Elizabeth and Jesse Kovacs that NO ONE CARES ABOUT. THIS IS NOT WHAT WE WANT TO WATCH.
Our first rose ceremony! Each person votes separately. So basically, even if they agree as a group, people can do their own thing. Elizabeth is nervous that Jesse Kovacs will be on the chopping block. Um, isn’t it her fault that Jesse Kovacs would be on the chopping block? Delusional! You know who else is delusional? Michelle. But we all knew that already. She apparently thinks that only women can see her craziness, so naturally she won’t get voted off! Not if men are in charge! So basically it is going to come down to Juan and Jesse Kovacs for the guys and Michelle and Krisily for the girls. And the losers are….Michelle and Juan! No real surprises there. Maybe Nikki won’t be annoying for the rest of the season? Um, anyone else think it’s weird that they don’t even give Jonathan a name? It says “Weatherman” during his interview segments..? Also, if they are only eliminating two people per episode, then how is this show only 6 weeks long?
Next week! More tears! More hooking up! More freaking up! (I imagine this will be the preview for every week.)
The jury’s still out on this for me. Entertaining…but is it worth two hours of my time every Monday?
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