Bachelorette 8.2: It's the Circle of Life

Tonight on The Bachelorette: Ali has two amazing men who both want to propose to her. Must be hard to be her.

Notice that they aren’t showing any clips of her talking to either guy as she is standing there at the end with the final rose? Suspicious.

The finale is going to be unforgettable! They found a new adjective! I have watched every season on this show (is that embarrassing?), and this is honestly the first time I have ever liked both people left at the end. I mean, I guess I have a small inclination towards one of them (I LOVE YOU CHRIS L), but I think they are both genuinely good guys and that she really can’t make a bad decision here (unless she chooses to get back together with Frank. Why do I have a terrible feeling that this snarky comment could come true?)

Ali takes time to reflect as she rides across the beautiful water on a beautiful boat. Has she been seeing Snooki’s spray tanner? We get the same speeches about each guy as last episode (minus Frank! Hallelujah!) Guess what? She’s falling in love with Roberto. Guess what else? She is starting to fall in love with Chris! New revelations!

So first up to meet the fam is Roberto. He seems to have brought a present, good move! Roberto loves to wear plaid, but the more I think about it, so does Ali. Soul mates! We meet Ali’s parents and brother and sister. Weirdly she looks nothing like any of the members of her family…will that tie into tonight’s unforgettable finale? “Ali you have been dumped and also, you are adopted.”

So we get to lunch and Ali is already hammered. Roberto spends some time talking to the sibs while Ali talks to her parents about how Roberto calms her down, which is good, they do balance each other nicely. Roberto wastes no time charming all the ladies (mom appears to turn to mush as soon as he starts to talk). Momma speaks in Spanish to make him feel welcome in their family. I then tried to picture my mom doing something like this and almost peed my pants from laughing so hard.

Roberto thinks that Ali's dad is going to ask some really hard questions. No he’s not, this is a TV show, silly Roberto! Of course, Roberto is going to ask his permission to propose. Roberto says a big thing for him is making the person he is with happy. That should probably be something that all human beings feel? Personal opinion. Dad pretends like he is not going to give his blessing, but guess what! He does. Duh, again guys, it’s a TV show. Ali is excited because instead of being the drunk idiot dancing at the party alone, everyone is dancing!! Roberto did a good job with the family (but Chris is totally going to do better.)

Time for Ali to take my boyfriend Chris to meet her family. I was so nice to lend him to her for the day! Chris is feeling relaxed in his interview segment so he unbuttoned his shirt. No complaints. The family is thrilled to learn he is from Massachusetts. I believe he already won. Ali’s mom is a nurse and so was Chris’ mom! Chris used to be a teacher and so did dad (and the sister)! So much in common! Chris does fit in nicely with her family, just like Ali fit in nicely with his family. It’s so unfortunate that I’m 95% sure that whatever the outcome of this show is, it doesn’t end with her picking Chris. (LOL JK I want Chris for myself.)

Ali’s mom wants Chris to talk about his mom. If he cries, I’m done. He does such a good job! Even though he is clearly uncomfortable he still talks about it! Mom, of course, loves that he quit his job to go home and take care of his mom, as all moms would. OKAY SERIOUSLY, is Ali’s brother Asian?! What is going on in this family? Chris seems pretty confident that he is going to be the one proposing to Ali. Poor guy. Chris and Ali’s Asian brother seem like they could be brahs. They love the Sox duh!

Now it’s time for Chris to ask permission to propose. Ah, every father’s dream. Two different men, who have only known their daughter for two months wanting to propose. What does family orientated mean? Just wondering why there aren’t more scenes of Chris without his shirt on, no? As predicted (my God, I am always right!) Chris does amazing with the fam. It seemed very natural. How much do you want to bet that if Ali picks Chris in the end, they will Photoshop a rainbow in? Too bad we won’t learn the answer to this.

Ali gets her fam’s final opinion, dad likes Roberto. Sibs love Chris. Ali’s intelligent sister points out that Chris is more of a real person and it’s more of a real relationship, a wise girl that one is. Mom might be wasted, I see where Ali gets it. I think mom is Team Chris, or maybe Team Chris’ mom? What is with this woman’s fascination?! Morbid.

Ali is unsurprisingly wearing a shade of yellow. Run. Hug. Lift. Roberto is already sweating up a storm. That guy is sweaty. But I guess when you look like that you can be super sweaty and it doesn’t really matter. There day is filled with all typical Bachelor dates. Jet skiing in unnaturally clear water. “Dangerous” encounters. Romantic walks along a private beach. (Really, where are the other people on this island? You expect me to believe that there is no one else in Tahiti right now?) It starts pouring, just like it would in a movie! How did the producers pull that one off?

Now we get to the last night Roberto and Ali have before the final rose. Basically it will be a game of how long they can keep their clothes on. Jumpsuit alert. Let’s get wasted!!! Ali and Roberto attempt to have a real conversation, but all they have to talk about is their date earlier in the day. Don’t worry, they touch a lot. And of course make out. He brought her a present, a picture frame! Girls love that shit! Smooth move. Roberto tells Ali that he told her dad he loves her, which is all she needed to hear from him. I cannot figure out what is going to happen in the end and it is driving me crazy!

Now I can’t believe there is only 35 minutes left in the show and we aren’t at the rose ceremony yet! Don’t they usually take a lot of time with these things? Oh well, can’t complain about more camera time for Chris! Chris is so normal and seems like he would have normal friends. I wonder if they make fun of him for being on this show. Probably.

WHAT IS HAPPENING? This is not normal. Allie is freaking out. Is she dumping Chris right now? This is so uncomfortable. Why doesn’t he get a jet ski date? She is totally breaking the rules and dumping him right now. Just like People magazine said “Why I broke all the rules.”

I knew she wouldn’t pick Chris in the end but seriously, this is the not the best decision ever. Roberto is a good guy, but Chris is a REAL guy. Please don’t cry Chris, I’m going to lose it. So now do we have to spend the next 30 minutes with her and Roberto? I suddenly kind of irrationally dislike Roberto now. Except..she never said “I am in love with Robeto.” She said “I am in love with someone else.” Maybe it’s Chris Harrison.

Chris doesn’t even call her on her bullshit! You are amazing! Get on a flight and come to Ohio! (Even though this was filmed 2 months ago! I am still waiting!)

Currently Facebook is blowing up with “I HATE YOU ALI” statuses. Yes, if it were me I would have picked Chris, but her picking Roberto doesn’t make her a terrible person. Jeez, people! She is a human being! She said all along she was going to do her season her way and quite frankly, the producers screwed her out of that by casting assholes who had girlfriends back home. So I don’t think it’s too terrible that she did this!

Naturally, there is a rainbow, real or Photoshopped with Chris in on it, that we will never know. Bye Chris! I love you! See you in 23 minutes on ATFR where you will just say nice things about how Ali is so amazing and how you don’t regret your experience at all, because you are that wonderful.

So the real question is, does she even pick Roberto? Now there is only 14 minutes left. The timing on this damn show is really throwing me off. People magazine was not kidding when they said this finale would be unlike any other.

Ali wants to be with Roberto, there is no doubt in her mind (unless Frank was still there.) I was just wondering why Roberto hadn’t bought a ring yet! But here we go. Oh good, we finally get a shower scene I can’t believe it took them this long! We meet up with Ali, post-shower. Tasteful.

Omg could they seriously not have edited Roberto’s boat ride over? We get it, he arrived via boat, we didn’t need to watch the entire journey. Roberto is sweating up a storm once again climbing those stairs. But he looks so beautiful in that suit that I suppose it doesn’t matter. I wish she would just scream “I PICKED YOU!” so we didn’t have to go through the whole “she pretends she isn’t going to pick him but then SURPRISE she did pick him” spiel. WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE BLOT HIS UPPER LIP. That sweat is making him somehow look unattractive. Ali can’t get the ring on because she’s swollen from all the Coors Lights she chugged. The Lion King theme is way too much. And we get a montage of them making out because that is all they do. Romantical.

YESSSSSSS ATFR time! DAMNIT FRANK, my excitement is already gone. Does Chris Harrison really think that Ali would know whether or not Frank was actually in love with his girlfriend? For the most part, Ali is rational (we’ll forget that she picked the hot guy over the nice guy), she’s not going to trash talk. She also is not going to admit that she would have given Frank a rose, hello! Chris L is there and Roberto is the guy she picked! She can’t pull that! FRANK DIDN’T COME! Yippee! Less Frank! Listen, I’ll tell you what Frank has been doing (In Touch loves to keep tabs on him). He has been making out with his girlfriend in Starbucks. Okay, questions are answered, he is still together with that Nicole chick. Also, Frank sucks, so of course he backed out.

Next up is the most perfect man ever (doesn’t he seem even more wonderful now that Ali dumped him?) Clearly someone else dressed Chris; he is not wearing a polo! Now we have to re-watch him getting dumped. Next they are probably going to relive his mother’s funeral. Whoa, wicked inappropriate. Watching him get dumped is equally sad the second time around. I hope I don’t have to find out if it is equally sad the third time around.

Somehow Chris manages to look even more attractive than he did on the show. Poor guy, does not seem to be over it, you know why? He’s a real person. A real, RATIONAL person. He is ready to find his soul mate, Chris, it’s me! I’m right here!

Now we the awkward reunion of Ali and Chris, minus that they are two of the most rational people that this show has ever seen so there will not be any drama. See crazy girls on Facebook! Chris appreciates that Ali told him the day before. If he doesn’t hate her then you shouldn’t either. Their body language is a little crazy, they look like they are still in love!

This show isn’t that dramatic, I feel bored. They clearly are not going to announce the next Bachelor, so…what’s the point. I can't wait to see the cover or People this week. I can't imagine what they will say. They can't talk about secrets and lies and trickery, unless Roberto is secretly cheating on her. Most likely not though. Maybe they will talk about how Roberto just might be the sweatiest person ever.

So basically they are in love and this was the most amazing experience ever and Roberto is moving to California and now they will last for around 9 months. (sorry guys, just being realistic). Well, maybe longer. They are no Jake and Vienna. But they are also no Trista and Ryan (remember them? The only true success story of this show.)

(Call me, Chris L!)

See you at The Bachelor Pad next week!
(I'm choosing to ignore the helicopter ride.)