7/12 Bachelorette: SHUT UP FRANK

Tonight on the Bachelorette: Kirk’s dad is a major creepo, Roberto looks fantastic in baseball pants, Chris’ family loves him!!! And Frank still sucks (has he been shopping in the womens department at Banana Republic? Seriously.) And Ali had the roses sown onto her dress! Oh wait.

Since it would be wickedly inappropriate to show the bachelorette showering while her voice over talks about how she is so excited to go on her hometown dates, Ali wanders aimlessly through a forest…while her voice over talks about how she is so excited to go on her hometown dates. Well played, Bachelor producers. Ali packs up her sparkliest shoes and off she goes!

First stop is Tampa to see Roberto. They meet up at the University of Tampa where Roberto graduated from and played baseball. Ali gets out of the car and they do the traditional run at each either and lift and hug. Do you think that planned to both wear some form of plaid? Roberto has a surprise for Ali, he takes her to the baseball diamond where he played. And, such a lucky girl! Ali gets a jersey with Roberto’s old number and her name on it. Don’t you hate when people have first names on jerseys? You look so unprofessional.

Ali loves the way Roberto looks in his baseball pants. Me too, Ali me too. Roberto “teaches” Ali how to bat. You’re right Ali, that is the oldest move in the book, but I’d go with it. Ali is actually kind of good at baseball? Roberto has a gift for her…and it’s a baseball card? His baseball card…yeah…. They’re both a little nervous to go to his parents’ house. Ali says she doesn’t know anything about Roberto’s family so she is nervous they won’t like her. He says his dad is tough. Good, that will ease her nerves. Roberto says his dad is….an ex-army ranger?! That is tough.

Roberto states the obvious, saying that it is important for his family to like the woman he is going to spend the rest of his life with. Once they arrive, Ali meets Roberto’s mother, father, brother and sister sister-in-law. They ask Ali why she gave the first impression rose to Roberto and she says it was just a feeling she had. Awww Roberto’s mom says she has had that feeling.

First up is Ali having a one-on-one chat with dad. Aww Roberto’s dad says that he is a big prize! That’s what my mom tells me everyday! They go into Roberto’s trophy room. It looks like my brother’s room! Roberto’s family is just like mine! Adorable dad asks Ali about her personal goals, he is concerned that with what Ali wants, it might not go with what Roberto wants. He asks her if she would sacrifice her personal goals. Personally, I think she gives a fantastic answer. Instead of just saying “of course, I’ll do anything for him”, she explains that in order to be happy in a relationship with Roberto, she needs to be fulfilled and needs to do what would be best for their family. Dad seems mildly satisfied with this answer.

Meanwhile Roberto gushes to his mom and tells her that if he is given the opportunity to propose to Ali he will. Duhh, we already figured that one out (thank US Weekly). Mom gives her blessing, hooray! Dad says to follow his heart and gives his blessing too! Roberto’s family, I love you. Now they are having a dance party!

Ali is nervous because it is getting really serious. Roberto’s hometown date earns an A- (only because I thought the baseball card was a little cheesy, but that’s just me)


Up next is Cape Cod to see Chris. Chris is very excited to match up the two things he loves, Ali and his family. Ali gets out of the car and runs at Chris and wait…they just hug! No lift and hug! Breaking tradition already. The weather does look gross, but that is not Chris’ fault. Chris shows Ali “his” beach. Also, his dog might need to go to puppy kindergarten. Chris woos Ali by informing her that as they speak, Whales are mating in the ocean. Ew…

Chris talks about how his mom would be so happy to see him fall in love. His mom got to meet both women his brothers married/are going to marry, but that will never happen for him. Sad face. Ali feels like they have really bonded now. They sit on the front porch and practice what it would be like to be a couple, or something. Chris says he had a hard day at work and wants a beer. Ali carries beer in her purse?! I gotta party with this girl. Chris assures Ali that he wouldn’t have brought her back to Cape Cod if he wasn’t positive that his family would like her. He hasn’t brought anyone home since his mom passed away, so this is serious stuff.

Ali calms her nerves with a real beer. In walks Chris’ dad, aka Chris in 30 years. Aww dad tells Ali he stole his roommate. In walks the sisters-in-law and brothers, who are both just as cute as Chris. Aww this family might be as cute as Roberto’s. Ali immediately breaks out the wine! Ali and Chris are being very affectionate in front of his family. Both sisters-in-law have the same bracelet that Chris gave Ali. Talk about pressure! Ali says that their Massachusetts connection sets Chris apart from the other guys. Dad tells Ali the story about how he met his wife, love at first sight! Foreshadowing?! (I wish.)

The relationship between Chris’ family is really nice; they do seem to really, REALLY love each other. Dad talks about how Chris quit his job to come home and help him nurse his mom in her last year of life. Dad wants to see all 3 sons happy and married before he leaves this earth, since Chris’ mom didn’t get to. Chris never had that person to share his feelings with, like his two younger brothers did. Chris’ brothers and wives all like Ali, but the wives are worried about him getting hurt (rightfully so, but he did choose to look for love on reality TV…) He assures them that he is very happy, and that he knew she would fit in. His family seems so nice and they really want good things for him. Dad loves Ali, even calls her a keeper. Chris believes that Ali could be his soul mate. Is it just me or does Chris seem really normal? Why is he on this show?! Dad thinks mom is orchestrating all the good things in his life, dad is so wise. Ali reluctantly gives up her beer when it is time to go. Seriously, this girl gets more and more fun as this episode goes along. Chris and Ali share a heavy makeout session that makes me a little uncomfortable to watch…a little too intimate for me. Chris’ family takes the prize from Roberto and they get an A+! This date definitely made Chris seem more like a front-runner (I mean, how could anyone think Frank was better than this guy!??!)

Third hometown visit is with Kirk in Green Bay. Run, hug, lift! Ali loves wearing yellow. Kirk’s parents are divorced, so Ali will be spending time with both families, which means basically no alone time for Ali and Kirk. Ali thinks Kirk has trust issues from the divorce. Before they go in, Ali is quizzed on everyone’s names, which do not sound normal to me. Kirk’s little sister is very cute. Dad already looks awkward…and then he asks if she wants to see his basement. Umm, that sounds like a line from a horror movie. Dead animals everywhere! And apparently this is a horror movie to Ali, being a Disney princess (right? She kinda looks like Sleeping Beauty? Maybe?) only loves LIVING animals. Why did he open that freezer? WHY? And WHY is Kirk allowing this to happen?! If my dad was a creepy animal stuffer person I would not allow him to be alone with ANYONE! Now Kirk is asking for romantic advice from a 7 year-old, because they are so practical. She would probably agree with me that Ali looks like a Disney princess. Dad thinks very highly of Kirk and tells Ali that she should really follow her heart. Alright, he’s not as creepy as I initially thought. But it might help if he shaved that mustache. Dad’s not 100% sold on getting married right away, but as a divorced man that makes sense. Kirk says he has never felt this way about someone before. That is unfortunate, since he is going to be eliminated tonight (I mean come on, we all know that by now.) Kirk says he was worried about his dad’s house, as I think we all would have been, but that it went really well, and now he can’t wait for Ali to meet his mom. Ali makes a good point that she would not be ready to get married if she hadn’t experienced any heartbreak or other relationships.

At mom’s house, Ali meets mom, grandma and sister. Sister asks what sets Kirk apart and Ali talks about the scrapbook he gave her the first night, which I thought was weird at the time, but hey! He got this far with it! Ali does seem to click with Kirk’s family, but not as much as the previous two. Plus, I’m sorry, but his family is weird! How is he so normal?! I guess it’s the theory that when two unattractive people mate they create beautiful offspring…? Harsh? Maybe. Kirk tells his sister that Ali is magnetic and says once again that he has never felt this strongly about somebody. I am starting to feel sorry for the dude.

Note to anyone with metal braces: red wine is not a good option. Ali and mom talk about Kirk’s sickness. Somehow I always have trouble paying attention when this is discussed. I might be a terrible person. Mom likes Ali, hooray! (And how shocking) Kirk’s date earns a B-…even though dad redeemed himself; his initial creepiness was a little much. Plus, Kirk gets a little over the top in his interviews. Plus…well nevermind, I won’t get mean.


And finally, we get Frank in Chicago…can you feel my excitement? But seriously, what is he wearing??! I can’t be the only one who finds this weird. Also, why does Ali always talk about how her and Frank have a great relationship? Because they don’t seem to have a great relationship….Run, hug, lift! Frank does suck, but I would love to move to Chicago, so that would be an appealing part to me if I were Ali. They take a boat ride and behave like children. Ali points out that she could potentially be meeting her future in-laws today. Why didn’t she think that before? Does she really like Frank this much? My mind is blown. Frank assures Ali that his parents are not going to be tough on her. Frank says their relationship is up and down and really hard. He says this is really important to him, that it is the biggest decision of the rest of their lives. From where I am sitting on my couch writing this, I can see the copy of In Touch magazine with Frank’s picture on the front that says “Frank dumps her for his ex”. So yeah Frank, I’ll bet this is hard for you, knowing every woman in America is going to hate you. Frank is confused why Ali says she can’t figure him out. Frank seems really nervous about Ali meeting his family. Is it because they know he is planning to get together with his ex-girlfriend?

Ali meets mom, dad, sister and brother-in-law. Ali says she saved the best hometown visit for last. You already know how I feel about that. Frank tries to convince his family that Ali is shallow and only came to his hometown out of pity. How adorbs! Ali doesn’t hesitate when she tells mom that Frank could be the right person for her. Mom think Ali fits in with the family, and it’s almost as if her and Frank have been dating for a year. If Ali moves to Chicago, will she have to live with Frank’s family? Or will they take his $9.25 an hour from Banana Republic and find their own place? So many things to consider.

Sister keeps it real and tells Ali that Frank’s judgment is clouded by his emotions. She clearly knows of Frank’s plan to dump Ali and is already making excuses for him. Frank tells his dad that he really, REALLY likes Ali. Shut up Frank. UGGHHHH, no really, SHUT UP FRANK. Frank helps Ali into the SUV and then watches her go down the street. He makes sure she is out of sight before he borrows his mom’s car and drives to his ex-girlfriends house to get back together with her. Oh wait, we don’t find that out until next week. Sorry, SPOILER ALERT. Frank’s date doesn’t get a grade because I hate him (did you pick up on that yet?)

Back in LA! Ali sits down to talk to Chris Harrison, which has to be much easier than when Chris Harrison had to sit down and listen to Jake and Vienna stretch their 15 minutes as far as they could by fighting on national television!

Roberto is different from what Ali thought she deserved. The fairy tale guy (goes with my Disney princess theme…no…?)
Chris was the biggest surprise and she fell for him in a different way after seeing him with his family. She took the biggest steps forward with Chris, but says she wonders if it was too late.
Kirk’s parents are divorced we get it. But Ali says she was reassured that Kirk is ready to be in a relationship, but she is not sure if she is that girl for him.
Ali was so excited to see Frank and thinks his family is amazing. Chris asks Ali if she thinks Frank is insecure and she basically says “kind of.”

Ali feels scared because she was so ready when she went on her hometown visit with Jake, and now she feels stronger than some of the guys left than she did about Jake (uhhh thank goodness, Jake sucks almost as much as Frank)


Cue rose ceremony! Poor Kirk, we all know what is about to happen. Ali gets emotional because she also feels bad for Kirk (and his creepy dad). Roberto gets called first and then Chris. Ali, gentlemen, this is the final rose tonight, when you’re ready. Frank wonders if Ali can read his thoughts and tries to not think about how he is in another relationship. And…she puts us out of our misery by not waiting long to call Frank’s name. Kirk looks a little sad, but manages to keep his composure, atta boy. He says bye to his brah Roberto and then Ali walks him outside. Kirk says it hurts because he really opened himself up and it wasn’t what she was looking for. Awww, Kirk if I had any single friends I would send them your way! But weirdly, I don’t. Kirk said he didn’t see this coming. Does he not read US weekly? Why is Frank wearing jeans? They are going to Tahiti! Frank freaks out because he didn’t tell his girlfriend he’d be leaving the country.

Roll credits!

Seriously Chris, enroll your dog in some classes.