Previously on RHONJ:
Albie failed out of law school. Don’t worry you’re cute!
The Kims continued their quest to take Dina’s spot on the show.
Danielle smartly pretends to be on the phone during the fashion show.
Danielle got mad because the cool girls didn’t invite her to their cool-girl slumber party…or something. Then they all started fighting
And we’re back at the Posche fashion show and Teresa in her chinchilla shrug telling Danielle that she’s the sweetest person. Then Teresa utters her now infamous line “is bitch better?” and now there is lots of yelling that I can’t really understand. Danielle announces that Teresa’s house is going into Foreclosure. People Magazine beat you to that one! And guess what Danielle, Teresa is STILL more likable than you! Jacqueline says she read Danielle’s court records and she beat someone with a 9mm pistol! WHAT?! That is loony. Why is this just being brushed over? I want to hear more about this!
Danielle is mad that her bodyguard is holding her. Isn’t that what he is there for? Teresa is chasing her, Danielle is running awkwardly since she BROKE HER HEEL (as she keeps screaming/sobbing over and over). Everyone else in the event is pissed, not surprisingly. You have grown women behaving like children! This is not real life. Kim G tells Teresa to calm down. Danielle hides in a bush. Security tells Teresa to show that she is a classy person, but she doesn’t want to listen. Danielle can’t move because her heels are broken (did you pick up on that yet?). Apparently she thinks they are a part of her body. Kim G violently shakes Danielle, which is the best thing Kim G has ever done on this show. Ashley emerges and pulls Danielle's weave out…uh oh, someone’s getting arrested! Apparently Danielle also thinks her weave is a real part of her body. Harry the driver high fives Teresa, that is amazing…he is only concerned about her getting close to the Bentley. Jacqueline says she feels like they’re in high school, really, she is just realizing this? Danielle is sobbing. Ashley thinks her mom is telling her to go away because she is taking Danielle’s side? Is she 5? Danielle calls 911 and tells the dispatcher that her hair was pulled. Kim G tells Teresa she is not taking sides…again, still lobbying for Dina’s spot. Why the eff is Ashley still there? And why is Jacqueline staking out the car? It’s creepy.
The police arrive and Danielle refuses to get out of the car, because naturally Jacqueline would do something to Danielle right in front of the cops. If you want to go home so bad then why didn’t you just go home..? I highly doubt that is your real hair Danielle, let’s be real here. Teresa tells that cops that Danielle is the coke whore, not her. Still keeping it classy. Of course the cops were familiar with Danielle’s drama, they have cable TV too! Danielle says bad behavior deserves consequences, you’re right Danielle, but if that were true, you would still be in prison.
Caroline claims to not be Teresa and Jacqueline’s keeper, but we all know she wishes she could be, not that her children are grown. Jacqueline’s baby is so cute I love him. Jacqueline and Teresa recount a pretty accurate story…at least from what they showed. Caroline, the occasional voice of reason, points out that Danielle got exactly what she wanted, Teresa and Jacqueline appearing like the “mean girls”
Danielle is telling Danny the story at the same time. Naturally, she says that Jacqueline belongs in an asylum and that if there had been a knife near Teresa, she would have grabbed her and stabbed her with it….riiiight…. Stop calling it your hair! It was a weave! I’m sure it was a very expensive weave! But it’s not your hair! Oh phew, she finally admits that it was beaded into her hair.
Surprisingly, there are parts of this episode that don’t involve the brawl. Albie goes to visit an attorney to talk about his learning disability, and that is the school’s fault that he failed out. Is Albie starting to sound like he has a speech impediment, or is it just me? Are they playing this learning disability up a little much?
Oh good, we’re back to Danielle. She is on the phone with her energist, which I imagine is something she heard Dina was doing so wanted to do it too. Why do I feel like this energist might also be vying for Dina’s spot as well? Wanting to talk to Jacqueline? Sounds a little fishy to me.
Teresa wants to tell Joe the story of what happened. Look it was super dramatically awesome, but do we really have to hear the whole story again? Teresa’s impression of Danielle running and hiding is pretty funny in this version of the story. I love that Joe doesn’t know who Kim G is. Aww, Joe’s small man syndrome comes out and he says that he would have beat up the huge bodyguard if he had been there.
Conveniently, Jacqueline is coming out of Posche (free advertising!) when the energist calls her. Jacqueline is hesitant, but also intrigued. Umm…the energerist kind of sounds like Danielle disguising her voice. This is very awkwardly taking place in a strip mall parking lot. She plays games on her iphone and doesn’t listen as the energist tries to remove Jacqueline’s bad energies. Luckily, Jacqueline gets a high score, which seems to take all her bad energies away
More Albie filler, so Bravo can act like this show doesn’t only thrive on Danielle drama. According to my roommate, who works in an attorney’s office, no one should want to be an attorney anyway…soooo there’s that.
Kim G. continues to pretend to be Danielle’s bestie and dress like a 10th grader. They eat cheese fries that look so delicious that I can’t focus on what they are saying. Except I believe that Danielle is going to press charges.
Unbeweavable! Ashley! Genius! Sometimes I think you act like a child but that is a #majorwin!
Is it animal theme night in the Laurita house? Ashley’s PJs? #majorloss. Ashley continues to use the defense that she thought Danielle hit Jacqueline, which is sweet, but getting annoying. Playing the victim a little too much here pinky.
Chris Laurita! The TRUE voice of reason on this show! Show her whose boss and remind her that you will have to pay for her attorney! And you tell her to shut up and get out! Ashley! Stop whining! Your life is so great!
Cute baby shot! Thankfully, he is not also dressed in an animal print. Although I wouldn’t hate it if he were dressed like a lion.
Next week! Kim G plays both sides! Danielle is crazy! Same thing as every week….
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