Tonight! The most dramatic housewives reunion of all time! Oh My God this is already amazing.
First of all, how did they get Caroline and Danielle to sit on the same couch? Did they call it the matriarch couch? For some reason, the first topic of conversation is Jersey Shore. Don’t diss Snooki, ladies. Teresa does a good job of bringing it back, as she points out that Danielle is a major sliggity, just like those Jersey Shore kids!
Next, we get a montage of all the idiotic things that have come out of these women’s (or woman’s if your Danielle) mouths.
We go back to the wonderful day when cutestbabyever was born. Also, when Teresa’s 4th mini me was born (and Dina!!) Of course, this moment is ruined, as we have to go back to Danielle and ask why she never called Jacqueline after her baby was born. Because Danielle sucks, that is why (which is the answer to most questions involving this show.)
We finally get the answer to the question asked on last year’s reunion, what exactly did Danielle do to Dina? Well…she tried to have her daughter taken away from her! Even crazier than I thought! I am so proud of Jacqueline as she finally sticks up for herself and tells Danielle what it is. Danielle apparently can no longer afford a stylish and Andy Cohen gets beat up by Teresa. We aren’t even 15 minutes in!
We get footage of Caroline and Teresa back stage while Teresa continues to freak out. Meanwhile, no one cares about Danielle. Andy Cohen can’t even fake it. Oh wait, her lesbian lover has shown up! All is well in looneyville. I also love that Andy Cohen laughs off Teresa body slamming him. What a trooper. I’m sure he’s wasted.
Anyway, we bring up another topic that can only lead to a vote, the fact that Danielle lied to everyone saying that she took her to all her fertility appointments. She didn’t!
Andy tries, yet again, to steer the focus away from Danielle and onto…the ham game. Is Albie going to show up on this reunion? I hope so. Caroline cries again and reveals the best news of the night…he gave up his girlfriend to study! However, we have to touch on the fact that Caroline shaves her face again, so my joy was short lived.
Let’s take a moment to adore the people who write questions into this reunion. Mainly, the one who asked if Danielle is living through her children, as Christine is a model and Danielle never was, and Jillian is a singer and Danielle never was. Brilliant.
It needs to be asked at this point…did Teresa pop a Xanax? She zones out while Danielle is talking about Gia’s modeling career and hardly raises her voice when it’s pointed out that Danielle essentially related her kids to dogs. Then we find out that Danielle’s kids are made fun of at school and that makes me feel sad for them.
Clearly, someone in Bravo production hates Teresa, as our next montage is of all the ways Teresa wasted her money this season. Afterward, Teresa continues to insist that her house is not in foreclosure. Andy Cohen rattles off a list of Teresa’s debts, which leads me to believe that he is the member of the Bravo production team mentioned earlier. Danielle can hardly sit still! She has been quiet for too long, so Andy asks her opinion on Joe’s car accident. We can all guess what her answer was here.
We finally get to the segment focused on Danielle. As we all figured, she and Danny were definitely getting it on, despite the fact that he had a wife! Also, despite the fact that she is a “born again virgin.” Oh, and a lesbian with LESBIAN SUPERSTAR Lori Michaels. Next, we talk about Danielle’s sex tapes. Let’s take a minute to discuss celebrity sex tapes. A sex tape CANNOT be released without consent of BOTH parties. Then, BOTH parties receive royalties. Otherwise, the party releasing the sex tape can be SUED. Okay? Okay. Also, I now retract my previous comment about Teresa taking a Xanax.
Luckily, tonight’s event is supersized so we get to talk about Danielle crashing the cancer baby party. Remember? The one where she didn’t donate any money after bringing in uninvited guests? Yeah.
Next week: Kim G arrives and Danielle gets fired! (I assume)
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